can you teach me how to fly?

Why must they be so damn confusing?? And not only that, but complicated! I feel like I've been walking on eggshells around Alex the past month. I think I word things ok, and then he totally takes them the wrong way and gets irritated. It's so frustrating! And then he was frustrated with me, because he wanted me to come up this week, but I had things planned with friends who I really haven't seen in a year. So then we tentatively planned for Sunday. Then Laura asked me to do something with her Sunday night and Alex got grouchy cuz it was the one day left open, so I pretty much canceled with Laura. I mean, I haven't seen Alex in a month. And she has other friends that are going to go with her to this thing.

So I talked to Alex tonight. They had a bad snow storm a few days ago, and he's been without cable and internet since. I guess the guy is supposed to come between 12 and 5 tomorrow. I really don't mind hanging out, and I can bring games and things with me. But he told me to call him when I get up tomorrow. I am gonna be so mad if he tells me not to come up. I canceled plans so we could hang out, and having a lazy day doesn't bother me much. If he says no, I'm gonna confront him; and he knows how much I hate confrontation. Errrg.

I am fed up with hunting season. Alex warned me he hunts a lot, and to be prepared, but I didn't realize I'd never freakin see him! Haven't seen him in almost three weeks. And the last time I did, he was practically dead on his feet because he'd gone hunting that morning. The woods have seen more of him than I have :(

And he doesn't get that having to deal with hunting season is completely new to me. No one in my family hunts, and previous boyfriends that hunt went probably twice in the whole season. Whereas Alex goes every chance he gets. I'm trying to be patient, but it is really hard. We almost got into a fight over it last night. He brought up the fact I've chosen not to go up North for a while. But he knows I can't afford to, either monetarily or with my mileage. Frustrating.

He was also a bit tired and grumpy last night; he'd been at the hospital with his friend, whose wife was in labor. That was exciting. I met them the first time I went north, we stayed in their apartment because Alex was still living in the barracks. They're a fun couple.

I realized last night I won't be going to Buffalo next weekend because Jillian and her boyfriend will be home for the weekend. And Alex still isn't sure about my holiday party, but Laura will go with me if he doesn't. Yay.

I'm tired of being sick. I had that really bad cold all last week, and finally started getting better, and then I developed some new allergy and am sick with allergies now! I think my body is out to get me.

Work's holiday party is December 19th. I really want Alex to go with me, but he's been planning to go home to Long Island that weekend. I don't think he'll come :(  I really want to go with someone though; I hate going to parties and things of that nature by myself, even though I'll know other people there.

Jillian, Rachel, and Danielle are all coming home next week for a few days; I am super excited! Last time I saw Rachel and Danielle was probably February, and Jillian was August.

Right now I have about $100 in my bank account, and I don't get paid until Friday. In the meantime, I need gas, some food and drinks, my loan payments are behind (I really need a deferment again), and my medical bills are overdue. They're saying if I don't pay this week my account is going to the collectors, which is the last thing I need right now. I'm a bit overwhelmed.

I'm thinking of going to Buffalo the weekend of the 29th for Krysta and Chad's housewarming party. We'll see, I don't really want to do that trip alone either, but it will probably be the last time I go for a while if I do. I'd love to see the Falls again. Alex is silly; he's never been and has no desire to see the falls. I love the falls!

I really do not feel good, and I really can't call in to work...like at all, ever. How pathetic is that? We need to work 30 hrs a week to be eligible for benefits. With four 5.5/hr days and one 9.5/hr day a week, we are just barely making those thirty hours. If we get sick, oh well it's too bad for us we just have to stick it out.

And we have no coverage at the preschool if one of us does get really sick and can't come in.

I feel awful, and today is a 9.5 hour day. Shoot me.

The past 12 hours have been sooooo frustrating!! Last night after work I stopped and got a jar of spaghetti sauce. I got home and got everything ready for dinner. I tried everything and that stupid jar of sauce WOULD NOT open!!! I finally resorted to driving down to the valley and making Jamie open it for me, lol. Only a five minute drive but I felt silly walking into the ghetto just to make him open the jar for me haha. But he did and I stayed and talked a few; I really haven't seen or heard from him since like...March probably. He's still trying to salvage things with Stef, but it doesn't sound like the best relationship ever. Oh well, not my problem anymore.

Anyway, I got back to my apartment, and got out my box of spaghetti...which I promptly dropped and dumped 3/4 of the box on the floor. Evidently it was just not a good night to make spaghetti. Then, last night was the season premiere of Criminal Minds, my favorite show ever. I turned on the tv, and they were airing a presidential address. The idiot is JUST acknowledging the economic problems we've all known about for months!! I really really really do not like Bush. I was so mad they were stalling my show and I had to watch the idiot cuz I didn't wanna miss any of the show.

Then this morning I was woken up at 7:45 by maintenence throwing a ladder up against a wall, talking really loud, and banging around. And then they came on our balcony and were doing stuff. My bedroom is right next to the balcony, and my bed is under the window. Needless to say, I was not thrilled. I had no idea they were coming, or even what they were doing. Later I discovered a memo that Laura had left out for me and I hadn't seen. Evidently we're getting a new balcony. But still, 7:45?! Ugh. I'm usually not up till 8:30 or 9 cuz I don't work until 12:30.

Then, I had an appointment at P.P. to see if I could get on their family plan for birth control. I've been fighting with my insurance for months over my meds, and I am fed up with them, although I need to talk to work about signing up under their health insurance now. I'd gotten everything ready that I was told I needed to bring, then got there to have them tell me I was missing a bunch of stuff. Grrrrr. So I ended up rescheduling, although it seems pointless to me...I was told the stuff would cost me between $150-$200. Seems to me I could get it cheaper even without my insurance covering anything. Unless that price is for all year? I didn't ask, but if that's monthly forget about it.

I hope work goes well. I'm supposed to have a new girl today. She was supposed to start Tuesday, but she never showed up. So...we'll see. I hope work goes well today.

My computer is fixed. And I am totally loving Laura right now. I've been completely stressed out about moving Thursday because I'd forgotten to call National Grid until last Friday, and then they needed me to all this stuff and they were closed over the weekend, yadda yadda yadda. So I was afraid that I wouldn't have any electricity for a couple days. I was also holding off calling the cable company because after we move in my bank account is gonna hit bottom for about a week.

I got out of work today, and my phone said I had voicemail, turned out to be four of them. The first two were from NG, saying my fax had come in black, and they needed the address of the apartment. So of course that stressed me out. The next two were from Laura. In the first, she said she'd called NG, and had set everything up and the power will be on Thursday. If I hadn't been sitting in my car I would've been jumping up and down. The next was from her as well, saying she'd called the cable company and they're gonna come out to set it up next Friday, and that she got us a package deal at $80/month instead of over $100/month. So hence the loving Laura thing, lol. She just took a whole bunch of additional stress off my shoulders. The next stressful thing will be Shawn and Graham meeting Thursday. I am fully expecting some awkwardness. Ick.

Yesterday I had a really bad day at work. I was 1:1 with a kid, who is old enough and able to tell me when he has to use the bathroom. He freakin pooped his pants twice, and we had to semi restrain him later. he grabbed me from behind and wouldn't let go. The supervisor had to pull him off me. My ribs are still a little sore.

Today was better, but I got put with a girl I always seem to have. Always. I've had her probably six times, while other staff have never had her. She is cute, but she frustrates me. I don't know why, but she always starts biting herself after a couple hours, every time she's with me. She's perfectly fine with the other staff. I don't know what it is about me that sets her off, but I've had enough of her gnawing on herself for a while.

This weekend was one of the best things in a while. Actually most of the past week has been really good. Started out Tuesday with Laura's birthday dinner. I went out after work, and Claudia and Zack came too. Sooo excited, my friend Claudia, from Kamp Kiwanis came to visit! I hadn't seen her in two years. So they came out, dinner was fun, etc etc. After dinner we all went swimming in the reservoir...except Zack. He ended up being our light hehehe.

This weekend I went to the K-Rockathon with Claudia, Graham, and Graham's friend Nick. The headliners were Three Days Grace, Seether, Shinedown and Sick Puppies. Along with Safety Suit, Black Stone Cherry, 12 Stones and Luna Halo. It rained at one point, but after that it was hot and humid so they got out the firehoses and hosed the crowd. We were drenched. We were kind of in the middle, but closer to the stage. Graham got pushed all the way across the crowd, but luckily Nick stayed with us. He made sure the crowd surfers didn't get dropped on us, and protected us when pits opened right in front of us a couple times. Although at the very end Nick and I both were tackled by a crowd surfer, lol. Everyone missed him, but Nick caught him full force and everyone went to help him and I got caught underneath...that was kinda fun haha.

Yesterday I went to the Renaissance festival with Claudia, Zack and Zack's parents. It was pretty fun. I got my hair braided and it is awesome. Although I had to sleep with a pair of stockings over my head last night lol. But we wandered around the shops and saw a few shows. It was a lot of fun, I'll be going again sometime, either with Zack or Matt, or maybe both who knows? We saw a glassblower make a vase, which was pretty cool. I got henna too...gotta scrape off the dried stuff before work, yuck.

Now for this week I gotta try to get a majority of my annotated bibliography done, cuz next week I gotta worry about packing things up and painting my room back....if I'd realized I'd have to paint it back I wouldn't have bothered. Oh well. Not gonna bother with the new place, I'll have to endure boring white walls for a year. Meh.

I had a strep throat scare last week, two days into the summer program. Luckily, luck was with me and the strep test was negative. Un-luckily, I missed two days of work last week; the day the nurse told me to go home, and Thursday, because my throat was so sore waking up that I couldn't talk. So that sucked. I went to Shawn's Friday morning. Don't really remember what we did that day. Saturday we took the canoe out to Lake ontario and canoed for a good mile and a half. We had a picnic lunch on a little island. It was a lot of fun, but I am feeling it now. Later that night we took a walk around the neighborhood--about two miles. Jeez no wonder I'm feeling so tired now.

I had to work today, so I started driving back to Syracuse at 6, and worked 8-4. I swear every time I work a weekend shift I get put with the same girl. Good kid, but really hard, especially for eight hours. After taking up increased days at Casey's Place, I am beginning to understand what these kids' parents go through every day all day. I don't know how they do it. The girl I had is 13, nonverbal. She likes books and dolls, screams and can be self-abusive. She also pulls hair, and is extremely fast. She got me twice today. It didn't help that today just dragged. I hate slow days.

Tomorrow is gonna be another really long day. Gotta get up early so I can go to the gym, shower, then go to the library to do my homework. Straight from there, I'll go to work till 5:30, and right from there I'll go to class until 8. The next couple of weeks are gonna be like that; I've got a huge assignment, I have to move out of this apartment and move into the new apartment, worry about calling the power and cable companies...ugh.

My aunt and cousins came for dinner tonight; I don't know how she manages. Three boys, age 8, 4, and 19 months. Poor Peanut got chased all over the house tonight lol.

Claudia arrives from Mexico tomorrow night; Tuesday is Laura's birthday dinner; Wednesday class; Thurs-Fri Shawn?; Fri-Sun cat-sitting; Saturday is K-Rockathon.

I went camping with Shawn this past weekend, Thursday through Sunday. It was fun. We went up to Stillwater, where camp sites are only accessible by boat. The site he really wanted was already taken, so I picked. I picked one that was almost all the way across the reservoir; it's 8.5 miles long, and our site was only about a mile away from the end. So we finally got out there, and it turned out to be a really nice site. We had our own little harbor and beach, and were only connected to mainland by a little isthmus. We even had a big huge resident snapping turtle lol. Luckily he left us alone. Our first night there we had a huge thunderstorm; it was kind of scary. Being surrounded by one in a house is a lot different than in a tent. Especially a tent surrounded by water and trees.

Saturday we boated across the river, parked the boat, then hiked a mile to the inn/bar/store/post office, aka everything a town would need, except all in one building. It was pretty cool, but the bugs were not so nice. Had a couple drinks, explored the shop then hung out and chatted with the bartender for a while. Saturday was kinda nasty again so we hung out in the tent and read and played games. That night we think we saw a wolf crossing the isthmus. Shawn shouted at it and it turned around. So besides a couple creepy incidents, it was a nice relaxing trip.

Yesterday was my last day at the preschool. It was so busy I didn't even have time to dwell on that, so it wasn't too bad. As it was also the last day before the summer program began, it was family fun day. A lot of parents and relatives came; we had a little carnival and picnic. Luke's parents couldn't come so I had Luke all day still. I think by one o'clock we were both tired out lol. It was fun though, Luke is quite the popular kid. Jack's dad and Pauly's parents and Emily's grandfather all love him. It's pretty funny, Luke will flirt with anyone.

Thursday was harder. We had my going-away party after lunch that day. Luke's mom surprised me and brought in cupcakes, and a very very nice gift: a photo of Luke from home, and copies of pictures we'd taken of Luke all year. She and Eric also bought me a beautiful necklace, I love it. I'm just afraid I'll break it, lol, it's on a really delicate chain. Wanda, Luke, Emily, Kirsti and Kristen all surprised me too. They all chipped in and bought me a really pretty locket. They put Luke and Kaleb's pictures inside. Wanda almost cried; I yelled at her not to because I would start if she did. As it was I got a little bit teary anyway.

So in a couple weeks I start summer at Casey's Place. I'm rather peeved; I was just looking at the July schedule. I signed up to work full days, but they put me on half days. Two full days on Sundays. Gonna have to talk to Sara about August. I'm getting a new apartment in August, and could really use the money of a full day. Laura and I are having trouble finding an apartment. We've found a few complexes that look nice. Our favorite only has one left available, so we're on the waiting list. We're going to look at another one Monday afternoon.

This week has flown by. Friday I came to the realization I only have four more Fridays with Luke. I'd known there was only a month left, but for some reason it just felt like a long time. Really it's not. My last day at the preschool is June 20th. The last four days of work are going to be like one big party. The 17th we're going to the zoo. The day after I believe is a normal day. The 19th is my going-away party (hopefully I will not cry lol) and the 20th is the big family party. I realized upon getting the respite schedule this week that I am still on to be working that week; I'd been thinking it was a 9-5 week because of regents. It is, but regular staff is still on. Kinda weird. I'm gonna be a wreck Thursday and Friday though, I wish I wasn't scheduled. Oh well, maybe it'll keep my mind off it.

Yesterday was an ok day, although Luke wasn't feeling well. There are two signs: his ears get really red, and he is super clingy and cuddly. He started crying during lunch so I just held him. Thursday was obviously a full-moon night, at both jobs. At preschool the kids were off the wall. At respite I had a giant of a kid who is usually a good listener and will do what you say. Not Thursday. He barreled me over to play his CD's favorite song before I could get him to sit down for snack. When it was time for meeting, we were downstairs, and I couldn't get him to stand up; there's no way I can lift him. One of the guys had to come and physically pick him up for me. When we got upstairs, Anthony was setting up the activity. Stephen made a beeline for him and started grabbing all the stuff. Then, after meeting, he wanted to go downstairs. I told him to wait while I grabbed the other kid. I fetch Jeremiah, only to find Stephen at the work station, writing on everything in reach. So, I tell him no, grab the pen, and then he grabs a sticky note someone had left and flung it. At that point I was about ready to strangle him. Fortunately, the rest of the afternoon went well.

Oi. Strange how full moons really do seem to affect kids.

I went to Laura's dad and step-mom's house warming party last night, it was fun. Most of them were all drunk lol. Although I did have a really good conversation with one of her dad's friends about education and the state of our school system. But apparently everyone thought I was bored and needed rescuing so they intervened. Oh well. I was doing ok, except that he had invaded my personal space bubble a bit much. I have a big bubble haha.

Oh. I talked with a classmate whose wife works at Jowonio; I had worked with her one summer. He said that Jowonio is now having to let people go too. I guess I won't be finding any work there.

 I have Monday off, I'm going to my cousin's graduation from RIT tonight. Good stuff.

I went to Jowonio after work last week, to see if I could get an application; I'd forgotten they only take resumes. Jowonio is an inclusive preschool, it's practically right down the road from Elmcrest. I'd gone there as a child, and I've held several positions there over the past few years. Mainly a sub, but I worked one, maybe two summers as a teaching assistant. Unfortunately, they're in a hiring freeze, as their staff are afraid for their jobs; they all know that the state cut 1:1s at Elmcrest and are in the process of phasing them out statewide. It's not looking likely that I'll be finding work there. Plus, if I did, it's a pay cut from what I've been making at Elmcrest. Last I was there, pay was only $7.50/hour. At least I make $8.35 at Elmcrest.

Ha, such a huge improvement. It's pathetic what early childhood staff make, when we're the ones who mold children. I can't think of a better way to word that right now, my freakin cat woke me up at 6 and I can't sleep again.

I talked to Diane, the director at Casey's Place (respite) about the preschool program they are opening in the fall. I forgot to ask about positions lol. It's a half day program, like SPICE, I believe in the afternoons though. The difference is, if I decide to work there, the pay will be $12/hour, just like the after school respite. That's a huge pay grade compared to SPICE. I'm also looking into Parkside preschool, which is run by the ARC, which is an organization for people with developmental disabilities.

I've found my niche in working with kids with disabilities. I'm so glad that teaching is not the only option for this, or I would be screwed.

Tomorrow I have to give an oratorical speech for class. I went back to Exposure of the Heart, the book I found in my one human services course last fall. I've found a couple prospective speeches in it so far. 

So I've been fighting with my insurance over claims and co-pays for months now. I finally got sick of it to the point I called and talked to someone. Turns out the checks for Nov/Dec were returned; except we never got them or any kind of notification. And according to them, they never got my check for March, which we had sent out. Also, I almost never received any bills from them. The woman called me this morning to confirm all that and to say we have to catch up on the premiums for claims to be processed. So, I came home and checked the mail, and I have a letter from Excellus, saying they've canceled my coverage as of March 1st. I love how I get that notification almost two fucking months later. What the fuck.

So, I'm still without all my meds, cuz I can't afford to pay at least $200 for all of them. This is fucking ridiculous. Mom's saying I should write to the state attorney general. Oi. I don't like adult life so far.

Spring semester classes are over with, hooray!!! I start a six-week summer session next week. Only one class this semester, no others work for me, but for me, this class will be worth about 12 credit hours, lol. And the name of the class is...dundundun: Effective Speaking. God save me. As of Monday, my body will commence mental breakdown.

You have nooooo idea how hard public speaking is for me. Unless I'm with people I've known for like 10 years, I go into complete anxiety. I can't breathe, I get dizzy, my heart feels like it's creeping up my throat....no wonder I dropped teaching. Fortunately, the class is in continuing ed, so almost all of my classmates will most likely be older than me. I'm more comfortable with middle-aged women than people my own age. I hope I do ok and don't die of embarrassment.

Shawn flies home tomorrow; he's been in Europe for three weeks now. Lucky for him I've had prior experience with long distance relationships with Graham, so I'm used to it. He's gonna come out Tuesday, since I don't have respite or class that night. His birthday is Wednesday, he's turning 33, lol. Old man hahaha. Oh well, he only looks about 27 or 28. If that, I dunno. He'll be home for a week, then he'll be gone for a month doing the US/Canada tour. And then, as far as I know, he'll be home for the summer.

I went summer clothes shopping today, in the buckets of rain, forgetting my umbrella yet again; I'm not used to having one. I didn't park far away, and ran in, but by the time I was inside I was drenched and dripping. I felt like I'd gone through the car wash lol. But I made out really well, besides finding closed-toe sandals. Oh well another time.

So I sorta dropped off the face of the earth for a month. No idea why, since it certainly wasn't because of schoolwork. Being off my ADD meds is totally screwing me. I've been on some sort of med or other ever since early middle school, and back then, the ADD wasn't all that bad. But, I've never been off my meds more than a week in all that time. I've been off my meds for about three months now. The first couple weeks were fine, but once it left my bloodstream, things went to hell. I remember at camp, no one had the slightest inkling that I have ADD. I have always been a procrastinator, but I would always get things done at the last minute. I'd be stressed, but I'd get it done. Not so now. I am waaaay behind in both my classes. And I don't feel anything. No stress, no motivation, nothing. It's strange, and I really don't like not feeling anything.

I want to get back on all my medications. Insurance has been jerking me around and not covering anything, even though all my premiums have been paid on time. My ADD meds, obviously, because I can't do shit without them. My birth control because I'm in a relationship again, and don't like relying solely on one thing. And off of it, my period is irregular. Right now it's almost two weeks overdue. I keep waiting for it to pop up out of the blue like it always does. Stupid body...more stupid mind.

Arg. I'd like to say I'm feeling frustrated...but it's more of a numbness than anything else.

Shawn left for Europe yesterday, I won't be seeing him for three weeks. Then he'll be home for a week, then he'll be on tour again for a month. Oi. I feel like I am back with Graham, never seeing him unless he's home.

Sooooooo tired. I hate work drama. *Sigh* Dona went and bought me a stool, so now I can only use it for walking Luke. We went for a ride to the office this morning because Luke's job is attendance and the poor kid can't walk the whole way there. But Wanda says we can't go for rides because if Dona sees she'll flip out and things will implode. BAH. I feel like shit. I was fine all day until 2 o'clock. Then I started getting a really sore throat...and not even five minutes after walking into Casey's Place I started having really violent and sudden sneezes. I ended up getting sent home early. There were too many staff in ratio to kids, but I think it might've also been a ploy to get no one sick. So much crap has been going around the past month. Luke's been coughing on me for the past week and having a runny nose. Saturday I babysat for a little girl who had a nasty cold...gross. Of course with my jobs there's no escaping all the germs.

Anyway...off to go shower. I'm adjusting to having to shower at night. And then I will probably pass out cuz I'm exhausted and still feel like shit.

Buffalo tomorrow!!!! I'm excited. Except Blur found the most god-awful picture of me I think I've ever seen lol. It's from back when it was a FNIP, not a SNIP. I have to try to post it; after my initial embarrassment, I can't help but find it hilarious.




I look like a rabid animal; or that I belong in a psych ward hehe.

Things are going pretty great right now. I started the process of moving into my sister's apartment Saturday morning. We got all our parents' old furniture for the living room, and I got a new bed. Supposedly it's a full, but it looks barely bigger than a twin. Oh well. It's comfy, I'll manage. Ugh I hated picking out a mattress. There was hardly anyone there, and all the salespeople were watching me lay down on the mattresses....I HATE to be watched, it's a mini-phobia. It was a very uncomfortable experience. Anyway. Me and Lisa painted my room; I can't stand plain white walls, I need color. Now it's a grayish-green, although Lisa insists she can see some blue. The moving is going quickly, much to my surprise. Of course I have no work this week, so there's no need for me to rush. But all I have left to bring over are my clothes and bathroom stuff pretty much. Oh, and my computer, but we have no internet yet. We haven't killed each other yet, so that's a good sign lol.

Her boyfriend is living with us, and he has two sons that will stay with us on weekends. One is 5, the other is two and a half. They're absolutely insane together, but they're cute. Sam and Sean...Sean is a handful, god is he stubborn lol. Typical 2 year old but with soooo much more energy. Good news for me is that their father Sam is getting a car this week, so Lisa will stop pestering me for rides.

5 more days until Buffalo!!

Seeing Jamie tonight, yay. I hope. He's been stuck with the baby a lot lately. Babysitter keeps getting sick or the mom's always working or out. But I understand that the baby comes before me, although at times it can be a little disappointing. Oh well, I know he feels bad when things come up. And it's easy for the mom cuz he's staying with them sometimes...his poor apartment. First his furnace broke and only blows cold air, and the landlord wants him to front the repairs. Then, while he's staying in a hotel or with friends, the pipes froze and burst and flooded the apartment. No good.

blur prompted me into remembering this lol. i can't come up to buffalo the 22nd cuz i'm dogsitting, but i hope to be there sometime on the 23rd. of course now it all hinges on my ability to take that monday off. i put in my request friday, and i'm thinking they'll let me, but another person in my class is taking that day off too. sooo....we'll see and keep your fingers crossed!

So after being off the pill for a month or so, and freaking out the past week and a half with no period, it finally decided to show up today. At first I was happy; until I got to work and was debilitated by cramps for 30 minutes. I guess I was fortunate we had to send Luke home with a fever again, cuz they didn't kick in until after he'd left. Sometimes along with my cramps I get really dizzy and have to sit down for just a few minutes. Today I was nauseous as well; Wanda said I looked as green as my shirt. Gross. The only other time I've been hit that hard was way back in high school. Heh I was working that day too, but they ended up sending me home I was in so much pain. Sometimes I hate being female.

I went to Laura's dad's last night with her for the Superbowl. I was rooting for the Giants but not really expecting much, plus I don't care all that much about football. But wow what a good game. I couldn't help but be excited the last quarter. It was kinda bad though, I am having major ADD days lately, I had a really hard time following the game. I ran out of meds 2-3 weeks ago, but have done fine up til this past weekend. Then I guess they wore off. Bah.

I think that's it. I think.